Bereavement at Christmas

If you’re struggling to cope after a bereavement this Christmas

Any special occasion can become an especially difficult time of year after the death of a loved one. Christmas is often associated with memories that can be tricky to think about when you are struggling with a loss.

Whatever type of grief you’re feeling – whether you feel anxious, scared, angry, relieved, tearful, numb or anything else, this is completely understandable.

The first Christmas that you have after experiencing the loss of a loved one can be extremely difficult. Equally, if you have been bereaved for some time, the festive season can still be overwhelming and challenging. This is normal, and it’s okay to feel like you just want Christmas to stop or that you’re not coping. If you don’t want to take part in the festivities, take things at your own pace and only do what you feel comfortable with.

Our My Life and Me website offers tips and support for managing your wellbeing this Christmas.

Trying to navigate grief this Christmas

Many people find that when they experience something very difficult in their life, such as the loss of a loved one, their routine is the first thing that starts to slip. This is a completely natural reaction to grief.

It might feel like time should stand still after the death of a loved one, and it can feel really surreal that the rest of the world keeps turning when your own life has been so changed by the loss you are feeling. This is also a normal reaction, as losing a loved one is one of the hardest things that someone can experience.

When your life gets thrown off by the loss, it’s really important to try and reinforce good habits and maintain a steady routine, to bring back some stability to your days. This will help you cope with grief in the long-run.

Structure your days.
Staying in the house watching TV can feel comforting, but it can start to become isolating if this is your main activity every day. Try to plan a new activity each day. Aim to get out of the house or do something different in the house if you don’t feel like going out, at least once per day. You could bake something or try a DIY craft activity, tick some tasks off your to-do list, run a few errands, or head out for a walk. Trying to do something small every day can start to help you get up in the mornings and give you some goals and purpose over the Christmas break.

Try to manage your social media usage.
Sometimes, it can feel like we are in control of social media, and sometimes it can feel as though social media is in control of us. It’s important to try and notice when you start to feel this shift in your social media usage so that you can start to control it again. Remember that it’s okay to take a break from it all and delete a social media app, or simply log out. Even if you only do this for a week, you might start to notice a shift in your mental health.

We have some ideas for activities you can do with the kids for low or no cost this Christmas.

Take a moment to stop

Take a moment each day to stop and simply be.

We are busy people, living busy lives. This is especially true over Christmas as a single parent, and even more so if you have experienced bereavement.

Whether you’ve been keeping the kids entertained, cooking, doing lots of activities, watching TV, or even scrolling social media, your brain is still working to focus on each of these things. Try to schedule some time each day, even five minutes, to simply put everything down, turn off your devices, and just sit with your thoughts and feelings.

You don’t have to make judgements about any thoughts or feelings that come up, just notice them, whether they appear to make you feel good or bad. You could combine this with some meditation or stretching, or listen to music, or you could simply sit with a cup of tea and have a think.

Creating thinking time for ourselves is extremely important in our busy lives, because this is when we give our brains time to reflect on everything we experience. The more we allow our brains to do this, the more we start to process.

You might find this activity very difficult, especially if you feel like you haven’t had time to do this recently or if you’ve been avoiding difficult thoughts. Any reaction is normal. You might feel emotional allowing yourself the space to think about things, you might feel nothing much, or you could feel anything in between.

Whether you find it really hard to focus on your thoughts, or if your thoughts are racing, or you don’t really think of anything in particular, it’s all useful thinking time. Whatever you feel or think in this time is productive for yourself and your mental health.

Reach out to others

You are strong for recognising your grief and trying to understand it, and it is a strong thing to do to ask for help. You might not feel ready to speak to anyone yet, and that’s okay. Listen to your mind and body and take things at your own pace.

Whatever you need to do to reach out to someone, whether it’s picking up the phone or getting dressed and going out to meet somebody – it can be really hard to motivate yourself to get to that point.

Take your time and prioritise yourself. Reaching out can feel extremely difficult, but it’s also partly what will help you start to manage your grief.

Try to get out of the house and see other people.
It’s important to be around other people, especially when you are experiencing the loss of a loved one. Remember that it’s a good idea to prioritise yourself, so if you’re not feeling up to socialising some days you don’t have to. Try not to isolate yourself in the house for the whole Christmas break; surrounding yourself with trusted loved ones, even once or twice this Christmas, whether they are friends or family, can be really helpful and a good way to combat loneliness and grief.

Opening up is really difficult, but it can take a weight off your shoulders.
It can be really difficult to speak to other people about deep-rooted feelings, but it’s important to talk about how you feel with a trusted family member or friend. This is especially true at Christmas, when it seems like everyone else is having a good time. Remember, you aren’t ruining Christmas for anyone who loves you and cares about you, by talking to them about how you feel. Wouldn’t you do the same for them if your positions were switched? Try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine the love they feel for you, and the fact they want to help you by listening to whatever you need to say to feel some relief from your grief.

If things are really tough and you have no one to turn to, call a helpline.
We have listed some helplines which will be open over the Christmas holidays. Remember that helpline workers on the helpline numbers we have listed are trained to deal with emotions, grief and trauma. They are an unbiased listening ear who you can turn to if things start to get really difficult. You don’t have to suffer in silence.