What to do when you split up with your partner

Just separated? Take a breath

Whether you’re relieved, heartbroken, confused, or feeling lots of indescribable emotions, it’s normal to feel a lot at once after separating from your partner. Try not to make any big decisions straight away if you can avoid it.

Focus on the basics. You’ll need somewhere safe to stay, some savings if possible, and to figure out who’s going to look after the kids day-to-day.

Speak to someone you trust and let them know what’s going on, especially if you’re feeling isolated. If your situation involves domestic abuse or you’re worried about your safety, there are organisations that can help you make a plan. Find out more about domestic abuse here.

Making a parenting plan

It helps to have some structure when children are involved, even if things are still very raw. The Scottish Government provides a free Parenting Plan, which is a simple tool to help you work out arrangements for your children. This includes things like where the children will live, how you’ll share their holidays with your ex partner, and how you’ll make decisions about your children going forward.

The Parenting Plan is not a legal contract, but it’s a useful way to focus on what’s best for the kids, and to try and reduce future conflict. You can fill it in with your ex partner or get help from a mediator if things are tense.

Talking to your children

Telling your children about a separation is tough, but communication will benefit everyone in the long run. Keep your explanations simple and age-appropriate. Reassure your children that they are loved by both of their parents, and that the breakup is not their fault. That’s something kids often worry about, even if they don’t tell you their worries.

Try to be as calm as you can when you talk to them. Ideally, both parents should be present, if it’s safe to do so. Let your children ask questions and have some answers prepared. They may want to know where they’re going to live, when they’ll see each of you, and what will happen on birthdays or holidays. Be honest about what you know and what’s still being worked out.

And remember, they won’t take it all in at once. Check in regularly. As they adjust, their feelings and questions might change. Find out more about how to talk to your children about separation and divorce.

Further support