Watching my mouth

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    • #13172 Report Abuse
      runningmum01
      Participant

      Hi all . New here .
      My husband and I split just over a year ago and the children feel so angry which has resulted in very challenging behaviour.
      I am careful what I say about him ad I want them to have a relationship with him but lies continues. I feel I’m the one doing all the work to encourage the children and he sits back and let’s me . He doesn’t listen to my advice and never thanks me when it works . I’d love to step back and let him mess it up but I won’t do that for my children . I feel so angry . I swear my ability to control my mouth is award winning. I want them to have a relationship but in the same breath I don’t. Anyone else feel this way ?

    • #13175 Report Abuse
      edna
      Participant

      Good morning Mom, I understand your situation well, and I know how you feel, I went through something similar with my oldest son. unfortunately after the separation of a couple and mainly with children, men show their true selves. They are mean, calculating, insensitive, the list is huge. And how do you know that the weak point of mothers are the children, to reach us, they affect the children, use the children, do not participate in their lives, disconnect from them, do not help at all, and use horrible lies to look good on tape .
      Look, I’m just telling you that I went through hell, the worst, but since my parents are also separated and at the time my mother was being mistreated by my father, but she never showed us or said anything, she only spoke well of my father, until one day I witnessed and saw the truth about my father, and that my mother hid everything and let us find out alone and draw our conclusions. It was the example I followed with my son. I never spoke ill of the father, and I let time pass and he saw his eyes, today he is a teenager, the father reappeared with interests and my son alone sees the whole truth and the bastard that he is, and I already managed to sit down with him and answer all questions.
      mother we are very strong, stronger than we think we are, I know it’s hard to suffer in silence, cry, scream, find something to do, leisure to turn your mind off and focus on your loves that are six children. believe that there is no point in giving him an answer, you are only hurt and create negative feelings within yourself that can reflect on your children. believe that you are not alone, your strength and courage are in your children. no man deserved such importance. the important thing is that you and your children know the truth and nothing else. Your children will understand that you never talk badly about him, but he is always talking bad about you and they will understand to connect everything by themselves. believe you can do it, just focus on your love for your children
      We women and mothers can handle everything, we were made that way, but don’t give your ex the power to hurt you or not, the power for you to be happy or not, never, try everything, you can believe in yourself.

      another tip, find someone neutral in your family, maybe mother, father, sister, someone who is in your midst, so when you hand over the children to him for the time or be with him and that is not you, avoid talking to him and see it, so avoid arguing, bad energy. believe help. Send SMS, avoid long calls that lead to talking about things but each other, avoid children listening or realizing that you don’t understand each other and make it clear to your children that you love them too much and that they were never the reason for the separation.
      I got a practical and small telephone that I bought just so he could talk to his father, my mother controlled it at home, and I told her ex when you want to talk to your son call your son whenever you want but not for me, and mine son did the same, so get out of his way, we only spoke by SMS when it was important things and decisions to be made about him. Today at 13 years old, I educated, raised alone, I did everything alone, without his help, not even in his personal life, he participated not even financially, and he is my love well grown and already understands the type of father he has, I don’t feel anything bad anymore for the father, because that feeling made me bitter and destroyed me inside, I feel sorry, because everything comes back to us. You can do it, find a way to turn your mind off him and just leave the good things, erase them and you will live very light and happy with your children, because you deserve to be happy again and free yourself from that demon that will destroy you inside if allow.
      Good luck, tell yourself, I can do it, several times a day. I wish you and your children all the best.

    • #13176 Report Abuse
      H
      Participant

      Good morning runningmum01,

      There’s another person on here called runningmum who’s given support to me. I noticed you have a slightly different username so are not the same person. :-). Anyway! 🙂

      I hope you’re okay as I remember the early days of my separation and divorce. I can relate to your feelings of being the only one holding it all together. It really is so so tough but you are doing it. Each and every time you bite your tongue and don’t say what’s really going on for you, you are being true to yourself. I agree that it’s best not to bad mouth another person even if they are behaving in an emotionally damaging way. I think that children need to be protected from the animosity as much as is possible. You are doing this which in my mind is incredibly brave and shows great resilience. I did the same and continue to do the same. My child is 12 now and has asked what happened, I eventually explained the situation because of her persistence to know why the marriage ended. I told her how things may have been for him and how things were for me and that we are both happier apart. I explained that I made the decision to leave so that we could build separate happy lives. She’s understanding more and more. She dislikes her Dad which I always hoped would happen in the early days. In reality, it’s actually quite upsetting because she doesn’t want to go to her Dads the designated times which makes me feel guilty when she does. I do need the break when she goes too so it’s pretty tough having to explain to her that we both need times apart and it’s important she sees her Daddy, his wife and her baby step brothers. With each step though, like you, I have dealt with it and I see that you will do the same because you are already coping with it all very admirably.

      There are so many parallels to your story and mine that I could have written what you have. As cheesy as it may sound, you are not alone in those feelings or your situation. The light at the end of the tunnel is that things will and do change (stating the obvious but it’s what keeps me sane).

      Keep going with your beliefs not to bitch. Your children will appreciate that you have given them a stable childhood. Their acting out with you means they feel safe. As much as that is heart breaking and upsetting, it shows they trust you enough to show their emotions and be themselves. You are doing a great job. You can do this. You really can. I know it’s tough, draining, tiring, sole destroying and just damn not fair BUT you are showing your grit and determination. You had a dream with their Dad as a family unit which didn’t work out. Your new future is a different dream of uncertainty which is scary but wonderful because just as tough things happen. Great things happen too. I know I don’t know you but I am proud of what you are achieving each and every day being the best parent you can be.

      Keep believing in yourself.

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