[Dancefeet]

Looking for advice or ideas lol my teenage daughter point blank won’t speak to me about stuff but will to my m8s etc attempting to talk to her I get shut down with u dont understand or u no nothing! Frustrates me an irritates me I have 3 other daughters 1 older n 2 younger makes me sound evil sayn I just shout at her 24 7 am frustrated an hurt relationship breakdown with her can anyone help who’s maybe been threw this

[Marissa]

Hi Dancefeet,

Really sorry to see that your post has been here so long unanswered. We are still trying to encourage more single parents to join and use the forum to hopefully make it more supportive and interactive.

I was wondering how things are now with your teenage daughter?

I have shared aspects of child development with my own experience with my teenage daughter to make it feel more real and identifiable. Such as that most teenagers will go through a phase of disliking and disagreeing with almost everything their parent(s) say and do and how frustrated I felt with my mum as I went through that as a teenager. I explained that it’s normal to feel that way and it’s usually a phase that passes and then reconnect in a different way. Usually after they have worked out where they are going, their emerging identity and how they want their relationship to be with you as a young adult rather than a child. This article helps describe it better – https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201504/developmental-dislike-parents-during-early-adolescence

When teenagers are going through this phase it’s important to not make them talk or share their thoughts and feelings if that’s not what they want to do, especially with you. Try to stay calm, reassure them that you are always there for them. Create a safe space for them and if it’s too difficult for your teenager to use you as their safe space sounding board at the moment you could encourage them to speak to another family member or one of your friends that they do feel comfortable talking with. Let them know you are ok with that, you just want the best for them.

Lots of teenagers will go through a phase of “I’M FINE, LEAVE ME ALONE”. It’s hard but try not to take it too personally as it’s mostly just part of their development and hormones. Some families I have worked with have agreed creative ways to communicate with each other that works for them – with shared goal of mum knowing if their teenager is ok or needs help, and the teenager not feeling like they are being ‘harassed’ and constantly asked how they are. For example, using traffic light colours or emojis within a WhatsApp chat or signs on bedroom door or fridge. This allows the teenager to update parent how they’re doing without mum tip-toeing around trying to ask and worried about angry response. Within this plan there should be agreed signs for when they are struggling and need support or don’t need support. Maybe you could come up with a list of activities that you could do together and choose one at random when they feel like doing something together. This could be anything from going for a walk, watching a TV show together, painting nails or whatever suits the two of you. It can also be helpful for each of you to have a list of relax activities to do solo when you’re finding things difficult. Even if it means putting headphones on to listen to music rather than getting into a shouting match.

It might also be worth saying that you want to understand and you’re ready to listen when she feels able to explain all the things that’s going on that you don’t understand. Ask her what she wants from you to feel more understood and supported. It’s important if you try this you listen really carefully and don’t react or ask too many questions.

There is also the possibility that there’s something else going on for your daughter that she does not feel able to share with you yet, she might not even fully understand what this is herself and is just taking this out on you. With permission from your daughter you could speak to her guidance teacher or GP for further support such as counselling if this is something she wants.

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