[Marissa]

Thanks for your feedback PeskyChild. Yes, we are starting to think it can only work with more converssation starters and input from me or someone at OPFS.

[Marissa]

Hey KK,

I’m so sorry your post didn’t get a response sooner. We try to take a hands-off approach to the forum so that replies come from other single parents (and parents-to-be), but I just wanted to check in with you.

How are you feeling now? Has anything changed since you last posted? Pregnancy can be an emotional rollercoaster, and when you’re also dealing with uncertainty about your relationship, it’s completely understandable to feel overwhelmed.

A few things to thing about:

Why did the relationship end? Is it something that can be worked through?

Has he given you any indication that he wants to try again?

If the relationship didn’t work before, what would need to change for it to work now?

Right now, the most important thing is your wellbeing, both for you and your baby. Since your pregnancy is considered high-risk, keeping your stress levels as low as possible is key. It’s great that he’s offering support with appointments and preparing for the baby’s arrival, and taking that help could make things a little easier for you. But I know the emotional side of things is much trickier, especially if he hasn’t said he wants to rebuild the relationship when you still have feelings for him.

Do you feel able to have an open conversation with him about where he stands? He might still be getting his head round the situation and sometimes that can take dad’s longer as they don’t have their body changes and hormones preparing them for becoming a parent. It’s possible that things might shift once the baby arrives, but it’s also important to be realistic. Some relationships come back together through parenting, while others don’t, and a baby, as wonderful as they are, don’t provide a quick fix if there’s relationship issues.

From what you’ve shared, my personal advice would be to prepare for single parenthood while keeping the door open to co-parenting in a way that works for both of you. That way, if things do change between you, it’s a bonus, but you’ll also be ready and supported if they don’t.

There are lots of resources available to help:
ℹ️ Our website has useful information about support for expecting mums. https://www.opfs.org.uk/support-and-advice/having-a-baby/money-when-you-are-expecting-or-just-had-a-baby
📞 You can call our helpline (0808 801 0323) to discuss your options, including financial support.
💚 Some of our local services offer counselling, which might be helpful. If that doesn’t suit for where you live, please speak to your GP or prenatal team to find out about support available to you.
💚 We also have wellbeing info for parents, that you might be interested in. https://www.opfs.org.uk/support-and-advice/health-and-wellbeing
👩🏼‍👨🏾‍👧🏽 The Scottish Government’s Parenting Plan can help with starting a conversation about co-parenting. http://www.mygov.scot/parenting-plan
ℹ️ Parent Club has great resources too. http://www.parentclub.scot
💬 One of my friend’s found the Peanut app really helpful for connecting with other mums-to-be: http://www.peanut-app.io/groups/ay3-lw1/mums-looking-for-friends-uk

No matter what happens, you’re not alone. There’s so much support out there for mums—whether you co-parent, solo parent, or something in between. Sending you lots of strength, and I hope you and your baby are doing okay. 💛

[Marissa]

Hi Tiny,

Just wanted to check in and see how you and your DD are coping now? I would also suggest Women’s Aid as first point of contact for support with this. Were you able to contact them and get some support?

Your daughter could also contact Childline for some immediate support to have someone supportively listen to her.
https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/contacting-childline/

Some schools have a counselling service, it’s worth asking what support is available but unfortunately it varies a lot between different schools and local authorities.

I hope you are also getting the support you need and are safe. Although we don’t offer specialised support for domestic abuse you can also contact our helpline by phone or webchat to have a supportive person to listen to you and possibly offer further signposting – Call the Lone Parent Helpline on 0808 801 0323

Marissa

[Marissa]

Hey Amigos,

Hope your appointment went well. It might be too late for you now but just to let you know that our helpline advisors can do calculations for you, they are available by email, phone or webchat – https://opfs.org.uk/talk-to-us/lone-parent-helpline/

We also have an online calculator and budget tool that could be helpful – https://opfs.org.uk/support-and-advice/making-the-most-of-your-family-budget/your-budget-tool/

We always advise parents to get advice before changing the number of hours they work to check how this will impact their finances. Our advisors will include checking impact on childcare costs, travel to work etc to ensure you can make a fully informed decision.

Hope things are going well for you and you managed to sort out a solution that is working well for you and your family.

[Marissa]

Hi Ara,
Welcome to our forum. Sorry nobody has replied to you yet.
It might help if you can say what town/city you live in to attract replies from parents that live near you.
Best of luck finding some fun activities for you and your son.
Marissa

[Marissa]

Hi H,

Which area of Scotland do you live in? Unfortunately we can only arrange meet-ups in the areas we have local services. But I’m hopeful that groups of parents will be able to connect via the forum and arrange local meet ups somewhere public that feels safe for everyone.

Installing Zoom is easy enough and if this is something you would be interested in, I would be happy to have a test call with you before an online meet up.

Hope the crochet is going well? We had such grand plans with it during lockdown but my daughter and I have been stuck at the very early stages of it which feels like a shame after buying all the materials and lovely coloured wools.

I look forward to hearing yours and other single parents suggestions for how we can make this work and interesting. It could be rather awkward if we just arranged a Zoom chat and we didn’t have a focus. Depending on how many people are interested in joining we could also have breakout chat rooms as it’s easier to chat in smaller groups, especially for those that feel anxious. We could split into smaller groups by location, interest or any other way that people would like.

[Marissa]

Hi JP we only have local services for OPFS in Glasgow, Edinburgh, Dundee, North Lanarkshire and Falkirk. Unfortunately, we do not have any local services in Stirling. Our Helpline which is available to call, web chat, or post a question covers the whole of Scotland for advice and information for single parents. But unfortunately we do not provide any face to face services in Stirling area. https://opfs.org.uk/talk-to-us/lone-parent-helpline/

If there’s any other single parents on this forum in Stirling area maybe you could arrange to meet up. Theme for Single Parents Day (SPD) this year is ‘Celebrate with a cuppa’ to keep it simple and something that we hope most people would be able to do. One of my best friends lives too far away for us to catch-up in person so we schedule times to catch up by phone so that we are reserving time with each other when we are not busy making dinner, doing things for our kids etc Sometimes we watch a TV show together and chat through it as if we are sitting in the same room watching it together. SPD can also be a day to arrange a catch up with friends or family locally or hopefully we can gather enough single parents in different areas to meet up locally.

[Marissa]

Hello and welcome to our forum.

Great to hear of your passion to change the CMS and offering support and advice to other single parents trying to navigate their way through this system.

I work for OPFS and we are currently working on a project called Transforming Child Maintenance – https://opfs.org.uk/policy-and-campaigns/policy-research/transforming-child-maintenance/

If you would like to find out more about this and discuss possibility of joining our Single Parents Expert Panel for this project, or share your story in more detail to raise awareness of the issues you have experienced. I would love to hear from you. My email is: marissa.costello@opfs.org.uk

[Marissa]

Hi Dancefeet,

Really sorry to see that your post has been here so long unanswered. We are still trying to encourage more single parents to join and use the forum to hopefully make it more supportive and interactive.

I was wondering how things are now with your teenage daughter?

I have shared aspects of child development with my own experience with my teenage daughter to make it feel more real and identifiable. Such as that most teenagers will go through a phase of disliking and disagreeing with almost everything their parent(s) say and do and how frustrated I felt with my mum as I went through that as a teenager. I explained that it’s normal to feel that way and it’s usually a phase that passes and then reconnect in a different way. Usually after they have worked out where they are going, their emerging identity and how they want their relationship to be with you as a young adult rather than a child. This article helps describe it better – https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/surviving-your-childs-adolescence/201504/developmental-dislike-parents-during-early-adolescence

When teenagers are going through this phase it’s important to not make them talk or share their thoughts and feelings if that’s not what they want to do, especially with you. Try to stay calm, reassure them that you are always there for them. Create a safe space for them and if it’s too difficult for your teenager to use you as their safe space sounding board at the moment you could encourage them to speak to another family member or one of your friends that they do feel comfortable talking with. Let them know you are ok with that, you just want the best for them.

Lots of teenagers will go through a phase of “I’M FINE, LEAVE ME ALONE”. It’s hard but try not to take it too personally as it’s mostly just part of their development and hormones. Some families I have worked with have agreed creative ways to communicate with each other that works for them – with shared goal of mum knowing if their teenager is ok or needs help, and the teenager not feeling like they are being ‘harassed’ and constantly asked how they are. For example, using traffic light colours or emojis within a WhatsApp chat or signs on bedroom door or fridge. This allows the teenager to update parent how they’re doing without mum tip-toeing around trying to ask and worried about angry response. Within this plan there should be agreed signs for when they are struggling and need support or don’t need support. Maybe you could come up with a list of activities that you could do together and choose one at random when they feel like doing something together. This could be anything from going for a walk, watching a TV show together, painting nails or whatever suits the two of you. It can also be helpful for each of you to have a list of relax activities to do solo when you’re finding things difficult. Even if it means putting headphones on to listen to music rather than getting into a shouting match.

It might also be worth saying that you want to understand and you’re ready to listen when she feels able to explain all the things that’s going on that you don’t understand. Ask her what she wants from you to feel more understood and supported. It’s important if you try this you listen really carefully and don’t react or ask too many questions.

There is also the possibility that there’s something else going on for your daughter that she does not feel able to share with you yet, she might not even fully understand what this is herself and is just taking this out on you. With permission from your daughter you could speak to her guidance teacher or GP for further support such as counselling if this is something she wants.

[Marissa]

Hi Katherine,

That sounds like a really tough situation – your ex taking custody of your joint friends. I’m sure most parents of teenagers can identify with them being busy with their own lives, which changes what they need from you.

I work for OPFS and didn’t want to leave your post unanswered, but I know from the single parents we support that you are not alone in feeling lonely so hopefully others will reply soon with their own experiences and tips. Until then you might find some of the info we have on ‘My Life, and Me’ useful as a starting point; https://opfs.org.uk/support-and-advice/health-and-wellbeing/feeling-less-lonely-and-more-in-touch-with-others/

Mental Health Foundation produced a really useful downloadable guide to Loneliness. Although it is aimed at young parents, I think some of the information can be useful to parents of all ages – https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/scotland/explore-mental-health/loneliness/young-parent-guide-loneliness

This could also be an opportunity for you to reconnect with your younger self, hobbies you used to have, things you wished you had more time to do when your kids were younger. Are there any groups such as sports, photography, languages, gardening, community groups, volunteering, learn a new skill, get fit, online groups that share a special interest you have that you could join to meet new people. I am aware this could feel daunting especially if your self-esteem and trust have taking a bashing after loss of previous friends. Take small steps that feel manageable to you. Maybe one of your teenagers would be willing to support you by going along to the first activity.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Marissa

[Marissa]

Hi H,

It seems to be a common experience that lots of single parents have, with thoughts of how difficult it is to meet someone new. It is complicated enough looking for a new partner, without having to consider how they will fit in with your children, arranging childcare for dates, thinking about safety not just for yourself but also your children. There’s a lot to juggle and think about!

As much as there are additional barriers and extra things to consider, I also think some of this can be a good thing. After having children most parents have a clearer vision of the life they would like to have for themselves and their children and therefore won’t rush into another relationship that does not fit with their future plans because they want the best for their child(ren). There will be some potential partners put off by the fact you have children, but at least you don’t have to waste your time with them as they are not a good fit for you.

In terms of questioning sexuality, that also seems to be fairly common especially for women that have had family and followed the hetro-normative path without pausing to explore their sexuality. For some this might just simply be a rejection of the men following hurt or betrayal and the thought of being with another male feels too scary. But that does not usually account for attraction to the same sex. It sounds like you have a lot of questions and it could be useful for you to chat about about your feelings and attractions and meet new people without feeling any pressure to box yourself into any labels of sexuality.

There are helplines such as LGBT Health & Wellbeing if you would like to chat to someone who will understand;
Helpline 0300 123 2523
Open on Tuesdays & Wednesdays (12-9pm), and Thursdays & Sundays (1-6pm)

LGBT Health and Wellbeing

There are also events such as film festivals, book clubs, social events for LGBT (and questioning) communities across the country. Therefore, you could maybe meet people with similar interests to you that are also open-minded about sexuality without any immediate pressure of dating.

I just seen a wellness festival for LGBT women advertised that sounds interesting but I don’t know much about it – http://www.outandwild.co.uk

[Marissa]

Hi Jane,
Marissa from OPFS here. I hope you don’t mind I changed the name of your topic from ‘hello’ to ‘Netflix recommendations’ in hope that it will attract more responses as other parents will know what your post is about at a glance.

It can be tough on your own and it’s great when you have the chance to relax and do something for yourself. Is there a particular genre of shows and films that you particularly enjoy?

I enjoyed ‘Good Girls’ – funny and a bit shocking.
If you enjoy programmes with subtitles I would highly recommend ‘Cable Girls’ set in 1920’s Madrid mix of period drama, love, war, secrets, women’s rights etc.
My almost teenage daughter and I have enjoyed watching ‘Young Sheldon’ and I have just noticed a new series has been released.

Your taste might be completely different from mine, so hopefully more people share their suggestions soon.

[Author]

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